Brazzers
Jordan Ash, Brittany O’Connell Pic(s)
The entire evening was a masterclass in social agony, beginning with Jordan Ash arriving a disheveled twenty minutes late, smelling faintly of stale coffee and regret. He immediately launched into a detailed monologue about his extensive collection of vintage bottle caps, his eyes never quite meeting mine. Just as I was contemplating a fake seizure to escape, Brittany O’Connell breezed into the bistro, her entrance so dramatic it seemed to silence the clatter of cutlery. To my absolute horror, she made a beeline for our table, revealing herself as Jordan’s charmingly eccentric and completely uninvited cousin. She proceeded to commandeer the conversation, offering unsolicited and bizarrely specific life advice based solely on the shape of my skull. Jordan, for his part, seemed utterly enthralled by her every word, nodding along as if she were dispensing ancient wisdom. The chaotic crescendo arrived when Brittany attempted to read our auras, spilling a full glass of red wine onto my lap in the process. Jordan’s only response was to lament the loss of the wine, which he claimed had “notes of rebellious oak.” I finally made my excuses and fled, my clothes stained and my spirit crushed by the sheer absurdity of it all. That night remains the indelible benchmark against which all my subsequent dating disasters are measured, a truly unparalleled catastrophe.
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