Dad's Dating Test: The Unfiltered Edition

Brazzers

Johnny Sins, Mason Storm Pic(s)

My dad, a man who has seen it all, decided his new dating life needed a rigorous quality control system, so he instituted what we now grimly refer to as “Dad’s Dating Test: The Unfiltered Edition.” The first potential suitor, a gentleman who styled himself after the chiseled, bald charisma of Johnny Sins, arrived with an almost theatrical air of confident competence. He spoke of being a firefighter, a doctor, and an astronaut all in one breath, his resume as impressively improbable as it was suspiciously broad. My dad, unimpressed by this jack-of-all-trades performance, simply grunted and asked him to demonstrate how to properly change a tire in under three minutes. The man’s polished demeanor shattered instantly, revealing a flustered individual who couldn’t distinguish a lug nut from a doughnut. The next contender, a brooding figure who introduced himself with the quiet intensity of a Mason Storm character, seemed to believe scowling was a substitute for conversation. He surveyed our living room as if it were a hostile perimeter, his answers to simple questions delivered in clipped, action-hero monosyllables. My dad’s test for him was deceptively simple: explain the nuanced plot of his favorite romantic comedy without using the words “mission” or “target.” He failed spectacularly, muttering something about a “hostile extraction” from a coffee shop. In the end, both men were sent packing, proving that my father’s brutally honest filter was ruthlessly effective at weeding out the performers from the genuinely present.