GCAVixens: Dad's Dating Dealbreakers

Brazzers

Johnny Sins, Kylie Ireland Pic(s)

My dad, a man whose romantic history was a barren landscape of brief, fizzled encounters, finally decided to re-enter the dating world with a list of rigid dealbreakers clutched in his sweaty palm. He insisted he could never date anyone who, for instance, owned more than two cats or mispronounced the word “espresso” with an ‘x’. His latest date, a vibrant woman named Kylie Ireland, seemed to instantly violate his most sacred rule by arriving fifteen minutes late, her laughter echoing through the quiet bistro. She was everything his list was designed to filter out: artistically unpredictable, with a past he would surely deem too colorful for his beige sensibilities. As she recounted a story about a chaotic road trip with a friend who sounded suspiciously like the actor Johnny Sins, my dad’s face was a mask of polite horror. He later grumbled that such a free-spirited narrative was a clear red flag, a sign of a fundamentally unserious person. I tried to explain that her spontaneity was the very spark his life desperately needed, a vibrant contrast to his own meticulously scheduled existence. He remained unconvinced, seeing only chaos where I saw captivating character, and he declared the evening a definitive failure. The following week, he was back at his kitchen table, solemnly adding “overly anecdotal” and “friends with vaguely famous people” to his growing list of disqualifications. I realized then that his dealbreakers were not a shield for his heart, but the very bars of a lonely, self-imposed prison.